Forgiving Heartbeats
by Haunted Sadness
Summary: Edward learns to forgive himself, with the help of Bella. But, who would have thought that her death could bring such solace? R/R!


I actually dreamt about this last night, how strange is that? I thought that it sounded pretty good and I just felt like I had to write it. Remember to R/R!

And don't forget to read my other story, A Twist in my Story.

Disclaimer! I don't own Twilight...that makes me sad.

--

I sat in the tree and watched as they lowered my love's body into the grave that had been dug. I watched as her husband, children and grandchildren said their final goodbyes with flowers and loving words; along with their tears; tears that I wish I could shed but would never run down my face. This was my first and last time back in Forks, I would never come here again. I had kept my promise; she had kept hers. She had married and had children, beautiful children from what I could see. I had made my family stay in Michigan; this was something I needed to do on my own. As soon as I had heard about her passing I had ran here as fast as I could, I wanted to see my angel again, even if it was in death.

She had looked just as beautiful as the day I had left her, more fragile of course, but her beauty still took my breath away. I saw the flowers that my family had sent surrounding her burial plot and I waited as her sons helped their grieving father walk to the limo. When the coast was clear, I leapt from the tree and walked to where her final resting place was. Something I would never know about, even though I wished for it; even more now than any other time. I placed the red roses by her grave and stared at the writing on the cold stone:

_Isabella Marie Swan Westman_

_1987-2067_

_Loving wife, friend and mother…_

_May angels meet you on your journey to forever._

I must have sat in that spot for hours, imagining her face and the sound of her voice. I didn't realize that I was sobbing until my body started shaking with the grief that was overtaking me slowly. Placing my forehead against the cool granite, I told her the words that I had been desperate to say for so long. I told her how much I loved her; how my already dead heart had stopped feeling the moment I knew I would never feel her arms around me. I cried and let her know that she would always be the person that had saved me from myself; even if it was for a brief moment of time. I told her that I would take everything back…_everything_, if it meant I could feel her breath on my face or feel the beat of her heart under my hands; even if only for a second.

As I spoke those words I realized that the love of my life was never coming back, and it was my fault. I had always known that of course, but sitting here where I knew she was but not hearing her heart was enough to slap me in the face. I told her what I had been doing since I had last seen her all those years ago in the woods. I told her how I felt and how much she meant to me over and over again. I had wanted to spend the rest of her life with her waking up beside me. I had ruined that; my decision had been my hell. Even though I was drowning in my own sorrow, I was happy that she had lived. I was happy that she had found a man that loved her, to have children with. By the words spoken about her from her loved ones, she had done what I wanted her to do, what I wanted her to be; human.

I rose from my spot on the ground and leaned down to place a kiss on the tombstone. I then did the second hardest thing in my existence, I walked away. I somehow made my way back to our house on the edge of Forks, smiling to myself about the first time I had brought her here. She had been so nervous, worried that a family of vampires wouldn't like her…never mind the fact that they could kill her. Oh no! She just wanted their approval. She had gotten it as well, with the exception of one person; they all loved her. I walked into the house not noticing anything until I made it to the third floor; it was then that I noticed the smell of freesia. I froze on the spot, not knowing what to do. I raced down the steps looking around frantically, desperate for a small glimpse of where the smell came from. I quickly realized that the smell was coming from my room, hesitantly; I turned and made my way back up the steps, standing in front of my door contemplating my next action.

My hand made its way to the doorknob, turning it gently until I pushed to door away from me. What I saw…made my heart clench. I gingerly made my way into the room, taking in the sight that was before me. All of my CD's had been removed, the shelves taken down from the walls to be replaced with pictures…hundreds of them. All of them of Bella. Bella in college, Bella in her wedding dress, Bella pregnant, Bella smiling, Bella standing in the sunset…on a horse…on the beach…at a restaurant. I surveyed the room taking in the beauty that surrounded me, the beauty that Bella had left me. I looked at every picture, sometimes more than once, seeing how she had grown up. She had looked stunning on her wedding day and as quickly as my heart broke; it mended itself in the next second when I saw the happiness in those deep brown eyes.

I walked to the couch and sat down heavily, noticing then that there was a letter and small box on the arm. My hands were shaking as I reached for them but I continued my journey until I felt them clutched in my stone hands. I saw the handwriting on the front of the envelope and almost lost it when I realized who it belonged to. Clearly, her handwriting hadn't gotten any more legible then it was when I had last seen it. I opened the letter carefully, trying to give myself enough time to breath in and out; was it possible for vampires to have panic attacks? This would be a good time to find out I suppose. I unfolded the pages and laid them flat on the couch cushion next to me, begging myself for a little more time. Picking the papers up, I started to read, anxious as to what she wrote.

_My dearest Edward,_

_I'm writing to explain to you about what happened to you room. When you left, I was a shell of my former self…walking aimlessly, seeing nothing and hearing no one. You were everything to me and I didn't know how I was going to carry on. I did, as you can see, because of the promise I made to you. I loved you so much; I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that your sacrifice was well founded. Because Edward…that's what it was, you didn't leave me because you didn't love me. You didn't leave me because I wasn't good for you, you left me because you wanted me to be human and live a life that you wanted me to have. I know that now, I might have known that the entire time. I went to college, I married a wonderful man who loved me, I had beautiful children; 5 of them. Elizabeth Rose, Alison Esme, Anthony Edward, Emmet Charlie and Carl Jasper. My husband's name was Victor, and while he wasn't you, he filled the void that I had felt for so long. I knew that you would come back to this place; my only hope is that you don't until I'm gone. I know you wanted me to grow old and have babies, and I wanted to make sure that you knew that I did. I covered your walls with the life that you allowed me to live, even when I know you were suffering. While I was happy with my life, a part of me was always missing. While I loved my husband, a part of my heart was no longer beating. You made me whole Edward, you always did. There was a time when even thinking your name ripped me apart, but when things went crazy and I didn't think I could handle it…I thought of you, and it made me strong. You will forever have my heart Edward, it was yours the first time I met you and even though you went away…you had it the entire time. I have always loved you and I will love you until the day I die and beyond. I know you don't believe that you have a soul, but I still do and I'll be waiting for you with open arms and a thousand kisses. Until that time, I wish for you to do what you made me promise. I wish for you to live and be happy. To love and let others love you, not for what you are, but for the man that you are. I fell in love with the man Edward, not the vampire. Enclosed is a piece of me that I wanted to give to you. I went and got it recorded while I was at the doctor once, he looked at me like I was crazy but in the end it was worth it. I want you to remember that I love you Edward, and to please forgive yourself. I know you, and I know that you have been harboring your feelings. Please stop...for me. Live Edward, live for me…I love you._

_My love is forever yours,_

_Bella_

I read and re-read the letter, each time my heart stitching itself together. She loved me, it was enough to make me shout and scream with happiness. I picked up the small box and pulled the lid off, a small silver locket on a delicate chain came tumbling out. I examined the heart shaped pendant, and saw our names had been engraved in script on the back. Carefully, so I didn't crush the brittle ornament, I opened the locket to have the most beautiful sound reach my ears. It was the sound of my Bella's heartbeat, strong and steady and I thanked God that I was sitting knowing that my legs would have buckled underneath me. I placed the necklace around my neck and saw it settle where my own dead heart was. All of a sudden, the beating stopped and I heard my angel's voice softly whisper, "I love you, Edward."

I stifled a piteous sob by biting my lower lip, not allowing myself to ruin the moment of her voice with the sound of my own sadness. Underneath the sadness I felt a twinge of happiness. I was happy that Bella had let me see the life that I had been so desperate for her to have. Although her love had been a great gift, this was the greatest gift of all. She gave me her life, not in any other way but by allowing me to see how her life went. With the sound of an angel's heartbeat upon my cold flesh, I swore to myself and to her at that moment that I would return her gift with one of my own; I would give her the life that she wants me to live. I will let myself be happy and allow myself to be loved because that's what she did for me. I will live, for her. For my angel. For my Bella.


End file.
